My Weight Loss Journey: Part One; Gaining Weight
I never really thought of myself as a “fat girl.” I mean, I knew I was overweight. There was no denying that the size of my clothes kept getting bigger and bigger, but when I looked in the mirror I saw something else. I saw someone getting older and wiser, someone who had changed and grown up over the years, all things that were for the better. I tried to deny the fact that my depression, along with other circumstances that were out of my control, had started to play a huge roll in what I was really doing to myself, my body, and my relationships with other people.
Between 2007 and 2014 I gained a total of almost 100 pounds. Do you know how much I weighed when I became pregnant with my first born? I weighed 103 pounds in my birthday suit. I was now the size of two of me and then some. I weighed more now than I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my son. How did this happen? How and why did I let this happen to me? Those are questions that I am still asking myself.
I have had issues with depression throughout my entire adult life. It started off slow, and not too bad, but as my body changed and I gained more and more weight, my depression continued to get worse and worse. There were times, weeks, where I would wake up and go to work and then come home and go straight to bed. I was barely functioning and I couldn’t get myself out of it. I would slowly come out of it, and somewhat get back to a normal routine, but it wouldn’t take much for it to happen all over again. Any kind of little change, or argument would set me back. I didn’t want to be like this. I would even say, “This is not who I am, this is not me!” This cycle was part of the reason I kept putting on weight. I couldn’t do anything, or go any where. I was in my own jail that I had created and caused.
From my point of view, my weight didn’t cause any issues with my health. My blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol, etc were all normal. Except for one thing. I had this constant chronic cough that just would not go away. Along with that cough, I had a horrible time with acid reflux when I would lay down to go to sleep. I can’t tell you how many hours of sleep I have lost over the years because of this. I didn’t want to admit that my gaining weight was the reason for this cough. For the most part, I just blew it off. Yeah, I have this cough, so what?! Other people would comment about it, the doctor’s I work for commented about it, family questioned me about it, and I always gave the same response. It’s no big deal. It is just because of what I ate, or because of my acid reflux. Nothing to worry about.
The year before my divorce my ex-husband went to Iraq. It was a very stressful time for our whole family. It was also during this time that I slowly started to gain weight, and started to avoid my family and friends. I didn’t avoid them consciously, at first, but as time (years) went by and I continued to gain more weight, it became a conscious decision to run the other way anytime I saw someone I knew. At the time, I really didn’t understand why I was doing this. I just knew that I didn’t want anyone to see me. See me fat, ugly, disgusting looking. I didn’t want to be judged by them. Judged by the way I looked, or judged for the choices I was making in my life. I was putting off on them the way I was feeling about myself. If I see myself as this worthless, fat, disgusting human being then they must too, right? At the time, my answer would have been yes. Yes, they are thinking these horrible things about me, so I am going to eliminate them from my life and then I don’t have to deal with it. Denial was my friend and I didn’t need anyone else.
Today, I talked a little about my journey of gaining weight. I wanted to give you an idea of where I was before I started my Weight Loss Journey. As you can see from above, I was in a bad place, not only physically, but emotionally and mentally too. I had to make a choice, keep going the way I was, or do something to change my path. I decided that I had had enough and I was ready to make some much needed changes. Lifestyle changes, not just losing some weight and making better decisions regarding my food choices, but also having a better inner self. One that wasn’t so negative, one that someday could possible even say that it loved itself.